How Not to Settle Your Differences by Laban and Jacob (Gen 31:1-32:2)

Jacob is apparently really good at running away from unpleasantness that he's created for himself.  First from stealing his brother's birthright, now he's running away from Laban for swindling a bunch of livestock.  This time, at least, God tells Jacob to go home. But when Jacob tells Rachel and Leah that they're all leaving, he puts words in God's mouth. He makes it sound like he didn't work the livestock mating system, but that God decided that Jacob deserved more that Laban had been giving him. Hey, Jacob? I'm pretty sure you decided that one, buddy. Anyway, he spins this little story about how he had this dream about receiving as much of the flock as he did (like, all of it...). And the girls, instead of sticking up for their dad, go on about how he never did anything for them but sell them into marriage. So they pack up and go.  But first, Rachel steals Laban's household gods (little figurines with some sort of legal significance).

After a few days, Laban realizes that they've all disappeared and chases after them.  God shows up in a dream and tells Laban, essentially, to not say a single word to Jacob. Not one word. Eventually, Laban catches up with Jacob and crew, and immediately starts saying words to Jacob. No one listens, I swear. It's just like, "Oh hey, an all-powerful deity is telling me to do something, and I recognize it's power... and I'm still not going to do what it tells me to. It'll all work out, right? It's not like God could wipe out the whole human race or something..."  So Laban gets all huffy with Jacob accusing him of stealing his flock, daughters, and household gods. Jacob calls shenanigans. He "earned" the flock and daughters, and frankly knows nothing about the idols (Rachel didn't tell anyone). Jacob even tells Laban that he can search everything for them and kill whoever is found with them. Nice. So he looks and looks.  Rachel comes up with a clever plan to hang on to the little things. She sits on them, and tells her dad while he's looking through her stuff that she can't get up because she has her period (the footnotes tell me that anything she would've been seated on would've been taboo for him to touch). Needless to say, Laban doesn't find anything.

Now since Laban's searching proved futile, Jacob turns on him. He calls him out on being a big jerk for the last 20 years (yeah, remember how Jacob's been with them for that long?) and makes it sound like it's all entirely unfounded... because Jacob never did anything even remotely underhanded towards Laban. Oh, and he also reiterates that the only reason he's got more than two pennies to rub together is because God is on his side.  I want to point out that God is being referred to in a couple different ways here. We've got God of Abraham; fairly straight forward.  We also have God referred to as "the Fear of Isaac" which brings to mind not only the fear of God thing (which I don't know how I feel about, and one of these days I'll spend some time on it), but the fact that Isaac was almost brutally murdered - I mean, sacrificed to God. That's pretty fear inspiring, to say the least. So what are two stubborn, pig-headed, downright-dirty-deceivers to do at such an impasse? They essentially draw a line in the sand by heaping a bunch of rocks together and promise to stay on their own sides. Did you ever share a room with your sibling and do that? I think at one point, I did that to the extreme of laying down masking tape on the carpet in such a way that even the doorway was split in two in order to protect my side. How adult of you, gentlemen. Really good problem-solving techniques there. But it works for them, I guess, and they go on about their business.

<3 Agnostic in the Pews

Wheelin' and Dealin' (Gen 28:10-30:43)

We pick up the next section with yet another iteration of God's promise to Abraham and his descendants about being a great nation with as much land and as many children as one could possibly imagine. This time, Jacob hears it. Well, he dreams it. Oh hey, this is where Jacob's Ladder comes from (only because in the dream...there was a ladder, or stairway depending on the translation, leading up to Heaven). Due to the dream, Jacob notes the holiness of the place he had the dream, and essentially makes a deal with God. Jacob says that if God jumps through all of these different hoops, like providing plenty of food and clothing, then Jacob shall keep Abraham's God as his own. I didn't realize one human could boss a deity around quite like that...

Jacob continues on his journey to his mom's relatives' place, and it appears he comes across the very same well that Abraham's servant found Rebekah. Small world, huh? Anyway, the other people at the well know his relatives, and introduce him to Rachel, Laban's daughter (Jacob's first cousin for those of you keeping track). In order to make a really excellent first impression, Jacob performs great feats of strength for the good of the others around the well. And because Jacob is family, she essentially brings him home with her. While he's staying with them (for a month), he falls in love with Rachel. He strikes up a deal with Laban that says if Jacob works for him for seven years, he (Jacob) can marry Rachel. Rachel, however, has an older sister named Leah, who doesn't seem to be as pretty as Rachel is. After seven years of toiling away, there's the wedding night. Laban gives Jacob Leah instead of Rachel, theoretically because of some birthright of the older sister marrying first. Jacob gets upset and strikes up another seven year deal to marry Rachel. This time, there's not an older ugly sister to get rid of first, so it works out.

Then we hit some serious cat-fighting...using childbirth. It's all very odd when you think about it.  So the sister-wives (with God's help) feud over being the favored wife with who bears Jacob how many children. God helps Leah out by making Rachel barren for awhile. Or maybe Rachel just didn't want kids until she realized Jacob was going to just stick with Leah because she was willing to have them. Anyway, mixed up in this anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-better baby game, there's a lot of clever name/wordplay. Oh, did I mention Rachel cheats? She (and eventually Leah joins in on this too) gets Jacob to have relations with her servant (reminding us of Abram, Sarai, and Hagar) to bear more children. Eventually Joseph (born of Rachel) comes into the world! And we move on.

The last bit for today is another set of deal making and swindling, again with Jacob and Laban.  After Jacob's done his time for both of his wives, he tries to get some sheep and goats from Laban, too, because he's made the existing flocks so plentiful apparently just by his very presence. A deal is made, Jacob gets the spotty ones from Laban's own herds. Before he claims them, Laban goes in and separates out the spotted animals, essentially lending them to his other family in the area, so Jacob can't take them. Jacob plays that game... using visual animal husbandry? He puts things in front of the mating sheep and goats that will make the conceived baby spotty... because it's parents were looking at a thing while doin' it. Because that's how it works.  Either way, Jacob's plan somehow miraculously works out for him, and he gets a pretty sizable chunk of livestock. Go figure.

<3 Agnostic in the Pews

The Man May Be the Head of the House, but the Woman Is the Neck (Gen 27:1-28-9)

The day has come when Isaac, who is now blind, has realized that he’s approaching the end of his life and could kick it any day now. So he calls to Esau, his firstborn and favorite son, to give him the easiest of challenges in order to get a blessing. He wants a fresh, meaty, savory dinner in exchange for a blessing. This impending blessing seems like it’s going to be of inheritance and last will and testament proportions. Guess who’s eavesdropping? Rebekah. She hears all of this, and finds Jacob. She talks Jacob into deceiving Isaac, and having Isaac bestow the blessing on Jacob instead. It’s a very elaborate ruse. Because Esau is so freakin’ hairy, and Jacob isn’t, she has Jacob slaughter some baby goats/sheep for the meal that Isaac wants. She cooks it just the way he likes, and uses the skins from the now-food fluffy animals to cover the would-be hairy parts of Jacob if he were Esau (specifically the backs of his hands and neck). She also makes Jacob wear Esau’s clothes for good measure. Good thinkin’ Rebekah.

Jacob, in his Esau costume, goes to see his dad with the requested dinner. Isaac is like, “Wow, that was fast.” Jacob doesn’t miss a beat and replies, “Because the Lord your God granted me success” (Gen 27:20). Isaac wants to be sure that the son that came is in fact Esau though, so he gets some confirmation from other senses. He feels the backs of Jacob-as-Esau’s hands, and smells his clothes. Isaac even exclaims his doubt that the son that’s there is really Esau even then because the voice he’s hearing doesn’t match with his other senses, but he puts his doubts aside and blesses his son that’s there anyway.  It’s a pretty sweet blessing too. Dew of heaven, fatness of the earth, nations bowing down, cursing everyone that curses him, and blessing everyone that blesses him.  I don’t think he left anything out. Way to go Jacob and Rebekah. You swindled that blessing!

Then Esau comes back. He’s got the fresh meat, and cooks it all by himself, and brings it in to Daddy. Isaac is seriously confused and pissed. He tells Esau that he’s already given his blessing to someone that he thought was Esau. Esau then throws a little bit of a tantrum here, but not really unjustifiably. Let’s face it. He was going to get a good deal. So he begs to be blessed also, and Isaac confesses that he really did just bless away everything. He tries to think of something, and it’s very clearly the afterthought blessing meant for Jacob, reinforcing that the second brother blessed is meant to bow down and serve the first brother blessed. Sucks to be that second brother.  It was right about here that I realized something. Harry Potter nerds, I’d like you to weigh in on this: I think Rebekah and Jacob would’ve been sorted into Slytherin, while Isaac and Esau would’ve totally been Hufflepuffs. Keep in mind, I’m speaking as a Slytherin myself. Not all of us are Death Eaters, okay?

Anyway, back to the story. After all that goes down, Esau starts planning to kill off Jacob for vengeance after their father dies.  Money is one of the biggest motives for pre-meditated murder after all.  While he’s scheming and apparently doing a really bad job of keeping it to himself, Rebekah catches wind of his intents. She hatches a plan of her own to send Jacob away to protect him from his brother’s wrath.  She’s also pretty sure he’ll calm down after a little while, and Jacob will be able to come back home.  So she plants the idea into Isaac’s head that if both of her sons are marrying only Hittite women, her life is worth nothing. ‘Kay… Skipping right over all of the really terrible things that implies about a woman’s inherent value, Isaac makes the all-powerful-male-decision to send Jacob away in exactly the manner that Rebekah wanted it to happen (back to her brother’s family). Before Jacob goes off to Laban and Betheul, he gets another one of Isaac’s blessings. Well, okay, he just gets the famous Abraham land and progeny blessing bestowed on him as well. I don’t think we’re ever going to see the end of that one.  The last little thing that happens here is that Esau sees how displeased his parents are with Hittite wives, so he adds a few of Ishmael’s daughters to his ever growing harem.  Because more wives will solve everything.

<3 Agnostic in the Pews

Like Father Like Son (Gen 25:19-26:35)

There are, so far, a lot of similarities between Isaac and Rebekah and Abraham and Sarah.  Initially, Rebekah is also barren, but God granted her the ability to have at least some children... well, two. Twins! While she's pregnant, the twins apparently have some serious in-womb boxing matches. God tells her it's because they're going to be like that in life too.  They'll each be the father of a nation, and those nations will be divided. Oh, and the law of the first born is going to be somehow reversed. So they're eventually born, and Esau is red and hairy (name-wordplay) and Jacob comes out clutching Esau's heel (also, apparently, name-wordplay). There are a couple other things that get mentioned here to illustrate the differences between the brothers. Esau loves hunting; Jacob loves being indoors. Esau and Isaac bond, while "Rebekah loves Jacob" (Gen 25:28).

One day, when the boys were much older, Jacob was cooking stew.  Esau was apparently not a good hunter at all because when he came in from the fields, he was starving. He begged Jacob for "some of that red stuff," but as we'll find out a few verses from now, there's a new famine in town (Gen 25:30).  So Jacob's not going to part with his stew and bread very easily.  He convinces Esau (without too much trouble) to sell his birthright as the elder son... for some soup. "Thus Esau despised his birthright" (Gen 25:34). I really hope that he was so hungry he was about to die literally  right there because that eldest son birthright thing... is a big freakin' deal then. I'm sure we'll see the fallout of that in the coming chapters.

In the meantime, we get to see some more of Isaac and Abimelech (because that guy is still around?). That famine causes Isaac to be in Abimelech's lands again, he's even led there by God with promises just like the promises given to Abraham, multiple times. Many nations, descendants numbering as plentiful as the stars...  Anyways, while he's in Gerar, he does exactly what Abraham did. He calls his wife his sister to protect her.  But maybe Rebekah wasn't quite as pretty as Sarah, because she's not taken as someone else's wife the second they hit town. Then one day, Abimelech is playing Peeping Tom, and sees "[Isaac] fondling his wife Rebekah" (Gen 26:8). Abimelech freaks out. He's like, "Hey man! She's your sister! Ew!" And the truth comes out. Abimelech must remember all of the impending doom from his dream when this happened with Abraham and Sarah, because he proclaims that any man who harms Isaac or Rebekah will be executed.

Now that everyone's safe, Isaac has a chance to build up some wealth and property.  He does such a good job amassing material goods, that everyone in Gerar gets jealous and kick him out of the country. Once Rich Uncle Pennybags, I mean, Isaac has left, he goes around trying to find a good spot for a well. His first two choices (Esek and Sitnah) meet with local contention, so he keeps moving until he gets to a place where there's enough room for him and names the place Rehoboth (lit.: room). After he's there awhile, Abimelech comes calling and makes pretty much the same oath with Isaac as he did with Abraham.

Then there's a random little interlude about Esau's Hittite wives. Yes, plural. More than one wife. "And they made life bitter for Isaac and Rebekah" (Gen 26:35). Maybe Esau was pissed that Isaac let Jacob get away with swindling his firstborn rights from him. Maybe he was just not a nice person. Maybe Isaac and Rebekah didn't like those Hittite women. Who the heck knows? Not my footnotes.

<3 Agnostic in the Pews

A Wife for Isaac (Gen 24:1-25:19)

Now that Sarah is dead, and Abraham is no spring chicken, Isaac needs a wife to ensure that the lineage continues.  So Abraham gets one of his servants to swear an oath to go find Isaac a wife from Abraham's own people. By the way, back in those pre-Bible days, they swore oaths by laying a hand on each others testicles. What exciting oaths those must have been! So the servant swears that he will, and even has a get out of jail free card if he finds a good wife and she won't willingly come back. The servant (who remains nameless) takes a bunch of camels and gifts, and he goes. When he gets to the well near Nahor, it's around the time when women come to draw water for their houses.  He prays to God for success, which he wishes to happen specifically.  The servant wants to find Isaac a helpful, submissive sounding kind of wife, apparently.  He says that the first lady to draw him, and his camels, some water when he exclaims his thirst shall be Isaac's wife.  While he's still praying, up comes Rebekah. And that's exactly what happens.  She gets him and all of his camels some water, running merrily back and forth between them and the well.  He then gives her a big gold nose ring and some bracelets, and asks what family she belongs to and if he can meet the family.  Good for the servant, she's one of Abraham's kindred. So they go back to her place, and Rebekah's brother Laban comes out, greets the servant as a guest, and the servant tells the whole story to him. In the retelling though, the servant takes a little feminism away from Abraham and says that marrying Isaac is not up to Rebekah, but her family. I guess a little ego stroking in a super patriarchal society as a means to an end is forgivable...  Anyways, Laban and his father Bethuel agree that Rebekah should go.  The servant stays the night, and in the morning they finally ask Rebekah what she wants.  The menfolk are in luck! She, her nurse, and her maids get on the extra camels the servant brought, and head off to their new home.  Rebekah and Isaac meet, get married, and "Isaac was comforted after his mother's death" (Gen 24:67).

Then we get to hear a tiny, footnote-like blurb about Abraham's second wife, Keturah, and their kids. We also find out that while he gave gifts to his non-legitimate children (a.k.a. everyone but Isaac), only Isaac inherits everything once Abraham dies, which he does at 175 years old.  Thus ends the reign of Abraham.

<3 Agnostic in the Pews

No One Likes A Pop Quiz Except Abraham (Gen 22:1-23:20)

"God tested Abraham" (Gen 22:1). Things like this make me glad I'm not among the most faithful. Every single completely devout person in the bible, in what I know of it so far, gets tested in a serious way. Adam and Eve. Noah. Job (eventually). And Abraham. God calls up Abraham and nonchalantly tells him to offer up "your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love," as a burnt offering (Gen 22:2). Well, apparently Ishmael doesn't count, but sons from Egyptian servants aside, Abraham doesn't bat an eye. Gathers up some servants, and he treks to where he's supposed to burn his son. They leave the servants at the bottom of the mountain, Abraham telling them that they're just going to worship over that way, and then come back.  Meanwhile, Isaac starts to get curious... he's noticed that they don't have a lamb to use for the burnt offering... Abraham either is the most faithful, and believes that God will, in fact, supply an animal to be offered without any kind of promise to the kind, or just flat out lies to Isaac to hide the fact that he's about to be slaughtered. Abraham is literally raising the knife to kill Isaac when an angel jumps in and says "Stop! God believes in you now!" And magically there's a ram right there that they can offer up instead, and again more promises of making great nations from Abraham's descendants. I know this story is supposed to illustrate exactly how faithful Abraham is to God, but to me, it's terrifying.  It reeks of slasher movie to me. Only this time, God did step in. And I know that choice is a HUGE issue in the whole God/omniscient/omnipotent problem... but every time there's one of these faith pop-quizzes, it sounds like God doesn't know what's going to happen, which choice the human involved will make. No lies: I didn't expect this to be an issue yet...or at all.

Anyways, after that bombshell, we get a bit more genealogical information. Then all of a sudden, Sarah's died. I would've loved to read her reaction to Abraham confessing to her that he almost killed their miracle baby. Maybe that's what did it. Shock. The tricky thing here is that she died in a foreign country. So Abraham goes about making all of the necessary legal arrangements securing land to bury her in.  The locals try to just give him a spot, but he insists on paying for it, which (according to the footnotes) gives him some serious inhabitant rights. It's a little dry to summarize the section, but all of the little phrases and interjections that point to 'proper legal proceedings' make it sound like being at High Tea with Emily Gilmore.

<3 Agnostic in the Pews

p.s. There's a fixed and updated Biblical Family Tree. I'll try to point out when I've updated it... but rule of thumb: whenever I mention genealogies, it's a safe bet it's been, or will shortly be updated.

Screw Texas. Don't Mess With Sarah (Gen 20:1-21:34)

Alright folks, after a brief, riotous American holiday interlude, I'm back!

So post-wickedness/ -destruction/ -incest with Lot, the focus comes back to Abraham and Sarah.  This time, they're living as immigrants in Gerar (no one seems to know where that is). Again, Abraham tells everyone that Sarah is his sister... and again, the king takes Sarah for a wife.  This time, however, God gives the king (Abimelech) a little more credit, coming to him in a dream warning him of impending death and doom because of his actions towards Sarah. King Abimelech asserts his ignorance of the situation. Actually, he pretty much tells God, "Hey dude, not my fault. For reals. Don't kill me." God says, "No worries! Just give her back to Abraham now 'for he is a prophet.' I had already taken precautions against you doing anything stupid." (Which we find out at the end of this particular anecdote. God "closed fast all the wombs of the house of Abimelech because of Sarah").  Also, when God calls Abraham a prophet in Gen 20:7, it's literally the only time Abraham is specifically called such. Once. Weird, huh? Anyways, when Abimelech tells his servants about his dreamt conversation with God, they experience the fear of God... which Abraham was sure they had none of... which is apparently the reason he called Sarah his sister this time.  But then we find out that she is his sister. Well, his paternal half-sister. There's already intensely more incest in the Bible than I thought, guys. Who saw that coming? Anyways, that little story gets wrapped up nice and neatly with a little prayer from Abraham letting God know they'd sorted everything out and livestock had exchanged hands.

And Isaac is born! And Abraham and Sarah are really, really old when it happens! And more circumcision!

But then Sarah's a bitch. Again. The second that Isaac is weaned, she insists that Abraham send away Hagar and Ishmael (yeah, they're still hangin' around) because she saw Ishmael playing. Now, I need to point out here, that the NRSV gives Sarah a little more wiggle room by saying that she saw Ishmael playing with Isaac as part of the verse. My handy, dandy footnotes, however, inform me that the Hebrew lacks "with her son Isaac," which means that she just happened upon him playing with a little tool set, or ancient hot-wheels, or hop-scotch and was so incensed by his presence that he must be cast out. Abraham is a better guy than that and knows it's not a nice thing to do at all. And what does God have to say about all of this nonsense? God backs Sarah! God says Abraham should do whatever Sarah tells him to do! So the dutiful servant gives Hagar some bread and a skin of water and sends her on her way with her very young child. Not too long after, the water runs out. Hagar cannot bring herself to watch her one and only (mentioned) child die from thirst and exposure, so she puts him under some bushes and sits down "about the distance of a bowshot" away and cries her little heart out. It's a pretty heart-wrenching moment, actually.  But remember what "Ishmael" means?  God hears the boy.  Not Hagar, you know, the one who seemed to be doing the actual weeping and gnashing of teeth... Either way I suppose. So an angel calls to Hagar from heaven and helps her open her eyes to see the well that may or may not have been there the whole time, and they're saved! Ishmael grows up in the wilderness, becomes an expert archer, and marries a lovely, little Egyptian girl that Hagar brings home for him.

Oh, and we're back to Abimelech.  He realizes that Abraham is a Godly man, but that he has already lied once in their dealings together. So they make a pact. A covenant, if you will, that in all of their joint ventures and tradings that they be 100% truthful with each other, and their children forever should be held to those standards as well.  Now that everyone's agreed, Abraham brings forth a complaint against Abimelech's servants who have commandeered a well that Abraham claims to have dug himself. He backs up this claim with a gift of seven lambs...? And there are Philistines being talked about?  My footnotes tell me Philistines don't even exist yet. At least we get a little secret that Abraham kept from Sarah (probably). That well is the same well that Hagar stumbles upon in the wilderness that saves her and Ishmael. D'awwww.

Next time, a story you probably know... and an updated family tree.
<3 Agnostic in the Pews