She died on International Women's Day.

A few things immediately spring to mind when I think about who my mother was. I remember her laugh, her hair, her stories, and the way she smiled with her whole body when she sang a song she loved. My mother did many things in her life. Wife, Writer, Sister, Teacher, Daughter, Preacher, Mother, Pray-er, Friend. In all of these roles, she loved. She understood love in a way that few people truly do: all encompassing, forgiving, abiding love. Mister Rogers said it best, “To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” I wish I knew her better, understood her better. I wish I had the chance to sit down with her now and talk about…anything: Music, current events, movies. She would have loved  Frozen. To thank her. For never giving up on me, even if it meant standing back and letting me fume.

I never got the chance to know her as an adult. I’m sure we would have been able to make peace after our many great wars. As explosive as our relationship was, I find the times I remember most were the still ones. Each revolved around a poignant question that had been danced around, fought over, pointedly not asked coming to fruition over a cup of coffee for me, tea for her, a piece of cake, sitting in the car outside the mall or the church. When she asked those quiet questions, she hoped only for genuine honesty so she could better understand. She listened intently every time, not just waiting her turn to speak. Now, I’m sure sometimes that was because she had no idea what to expect; I did tend to keep her on her toes. Still, she listened without judgment, striving to accept me.

I’d like to think we would have become good friends, having big discussions about faith, and love. She believed whole heartedly in love. Love that builds bridges between people. Love that understands your kid needs to scream at you, and you can forgive her for it. Love as a driving force in the universe. “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  My favorite sermon she ever preached was on love. She used one of her top ten all time movies as an illustration in it. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. I’ll leave you all with how she really wanted to end that sermon, in hopes that you’ll take it to heart because she also believed in fun. Be excellent to each other, and party on dudes!

Death is Nothing At All by Henry Scott Holland

Death is nothing at all,

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other,

That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name,

Speak to me in that easy way

which you always used.

Put no difference in your tone.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed

at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.

Let my name ever be the household word

that it always was.

Let it be spoken without effect.

Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was.

There is absolute unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind

because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.

For an interval.

Somewhere. Very near.

Just around the corner.

All is well.

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep by Mary Elizabeth Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle morning rain.

And when you wake in the morning's hush,

I am the sweet uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.

MRM 7/2/1958-3/8/2014

Jacob's Caravan (Genesis 46)

Jacob immediately packs up the whole family and hits the road for Egypt. On the way there, God visits his dreams. Mostly, God just showed up to reassure Israel that he’s doing the right thing, that the family will be in Egypt for a while, and that Joseph will in fact be there to lay Israel/Jacob to rest when that day comes. And the entire family goes, and gets listed through some future generations that aren’t even physically on the trip, like little Benjamin’s progeny. After the long list of names, Israel sends Judah on ahead to meet up with Joseph in Goshen. When everyone else joins them, Jacob falls upon Joseph and they have a good cry together. Israel even goes so far as to say that he “can die now, having seen for [himself] that you are still alive” (46:30) Before Joseph leaves again to tell Pharaoh that the family has arrived, he makes sure that his family knows to say that they’re shepherds if they’re asked about their profession.  Seems a little weird to me, seeing as, well, they are shepherds…

<3 Agnostic in the Pews

Sokath, His Eyes Opened (Genesis 45)

We went to commercial right after Judah gave one seriously passionate speech to let all the brothers return home and therefore save the sanity of their dear beloved father. Now, having heard this, Joseph, overcome with emotion, sends his Egyptian attendants from the room. He just couldn’t take it anymore, and he confesses who he really is to his brothers. Greeted by stunned silence, he reiterates his identity. This time he adds in the joyful little reminder that they sold him into slavery. Oh, but don’t worry. He’s not actually mad about it anymore.  It was all part of God’s plan for his brothers to be awful human beings… And as a result, now his brothers will be rewarded by being able to bring the whole family to the fatted calf that is Egypt in the midst of the famine. I want to point out that Joseph makes all these promises to his brothers before checking in with Pharaoh. Luckily, Pharaoh makes pretty much all of the same promises without any apparent suggestions from the peanut gallery. The brothers depart to gather everyone, and tell Jacob that Joseph is still alive.  After the shock wears off, Jacob decides that he just simply must go see Joseph with his own two eyes.

So this is the first time that I’ve seen someone refer to God having a plan for his life without it being explicitly spelled out by God ahead of time. There’s a trust level that’s been built up at this point, and a lot of assuming, and a desire for comfort in times that make absolutely no sense. I get that. People need to know that there’s a reason for the crappy things that happen in the world and to them. If they believe that it’s God’s all encompassing plan for life, it would be comforting in the face of the senseless things that happen in the world. Violence, war, sickness, being sold into slavery by your brothers… I don’t know about all of that. I think sometimes, shit just hits the fan. Human beings have free will, and while an omniscient God would be able to account for the choices that the humans are going to make, or the natural actions set in motion from the beginning of everything, the way God’s plan is discussed most of the time makes it sound like God was whispering in the ears of Joseph’s brothers to be awful to him. Or that God plans for a small child to get cancer and die before even getting to really live. So that… what? Another small child will get cured of the same cancer a hundred years from now and becomes a president? I still don’t see how that’s comforting.

<3 Agnostic in the Pews

They Never Saw It Coming (Genesis 44)

After the big party, the brothers will be getting ready to head home with all the most recently purchased grain. Joseph, however, still has some embarrassing and revenge taking to do. He tells his steward to hide Joseph’s own silver cup in Benjamin’s grain, as well as putting all of the brothers’ money in with the grain. Then, the steward is to follow them out of town, overtake them, and accuse them of stealing it all. The steward does exactly as he’s told, and obviously the brothers are the most confused. They all resent the accusation and begin unpacking their bags one by one, starting with the oldest, to prove their innocence. The suspense must have been palpable. When Benjamin opens his, the cup is finally found, and everyone goes back to the city.

Joseph, the true perpetrator, again accuses his brothers. Don’t they know how important this silver cup is? He uses it for divination and everything! (Actually, it’s kind of a big deal… and by kind of, I mean it’s a huge deal) Judah speaks up, asking what they can do to redeem themselves and go home. Joseph tells them that everyone is free to go, except Benjamin, who has to stay and be a slave. Hm… youngest brother as a slave… Well played Joseph. Well played.

Judah can’t abide this. In fact, he’s had enough of all of these games it would seem. He gives a long impassioned speech detailing everything they’ve had to deal with since the start of the Joseph revenge escapades, and the hardship it has put upon them and their father, who’s heart is strained by the separation with Benjamin because Israel has already lost a youngest son, and he fears to lose a second.

I wonder what this could possibly be building to…

<3 Agnostic in the Pews

Double Trouble (Genesis 43)

As it turns out, Jacob sometimes called Israel didn’t let Reuben go back to Egypt with Benjamin just then.  He waited until they were all out of grain again before thinking about sending back his sons. The brothers insist that Benjamin has to go because Joseph-incognito won’t sell them any more grain unless Benjamin is proven to exist. They go back and forth about Benjamin going or not going, and eventually Judah convinces Israel to let them all go back. Israel insists that they bring a gift, the original returned money as well as new money for payment, and lets them leave with Benjamin.

When the caravan of brothers gets to Egypt, Joseph sees Benjamin from afar. He has his steward begin preparations for a feast and bring the travel weary men to his house to get cleaned up. When the brothers see the steward, they freak out. Obviously they’re all going back to jail, right? Well, that’s what they thought. They confess about the returned money, that they brought it back, and have gads more for grain. The steward calms them down, gets them inside, and brings out Simeon. You remember him. The long incarcerated brother that’s very clearly less important than Benjamin.

Joseph-incognito eventually makes his appearance, and the brothers bow before him. He asks about his dad, and discovering that Jacob/Israel is alive and kickin’, takes a closer look at his brothers. Seeing Benjamin there, Joseph just about loses it. He manages to keep his mask on until he has a private moment to cry, wash his face, and order dinner served.  Joseph’s brothers eat separately from the Egyptians, as was the custom, and Joseph eats separately from everyone. One kind of weird thing happened: Benjamin’s portion was five times what everyone else’s was. Either way, it was apparently a pretty great party.

This chapter was really the first one to really smack me over the head with literary tricks. Just about everything, including the language used, came in twos, or was doubled, or represented a pairing. Almost everything the brothers said, they said it twice, whether within the same conversation or repeated at someone else. Jacob’s second name, Israel, was used instead. Judah, a second brother, is the one that convinced Israel to let them bring Benjamin back, and even says to Israel that if they’d been allowed to go already, they’d have already returned twice. The gift that he compiled was a set of four item/monetary pairings. The brothers brought back double the money to compensate what was returned to them. This was the brothers second trip to Egypt for a second load of grain. It called back Joseph and Pharaoh’s two dreams each. This trip represented the second time Joseph’s brothers bowed down to him, fulfilling his second dream. And the brother’s return trip to Egypt because they ran out of grain a second time? Well, that brings to mind Pharaoh’s two dreams of plenteousness becoming famine. Oh, and one more thing. Joseph’s double life and his secret identity of, well, himself.

<3 Agnostic in the Pews

Don't Get Mad. Get Even (Genesis 42)

The whole world is in massive famine, except for Egypt. Jacob (Joseph’s dad. Remember him?) yells at all of his remaining sons  for not already having gone to Egypt to buy grain to feed their family.  So the brothers all head out to buy grain except for Benjamin, the now youngest son. It would seem that Jacob doesn’t trust the herd to not pick off the youngest and leave it behind. Once they’re in Egypt, Joseph’s brothers came and bowed before Joseph, the governor of all Egypt. He recognized them in a heartbeat, but his brothers were totally clueless. Joseph did what all scorned, left for dead, now raised to power little brothers would do: he messed with them. He insists that they are spies from the land of Canaan, and aren’t just there to buy food. They insist that their intentions are honorable, and as a display of their honor start babbling about their family. Joseph makes a show of not believing them until he sees the youngest brother with his own eyes. He says he’ll let one brother go to fetch the last one, but first he puts them all in jail for three days.

After the three days, Joseph goes to collect the one brother that will get sent home with enough grain for everyone and then return with Benjamin. Oh yeah, if he doesn’t return with Benjamin, everybody dies. Now, Joseph has been using an interpreter this whole time to disguise himself even further, so when his brothers launch into a “foreign” language discussion, he can still understand them. Presumably, they’d be talking about which brother to send. They were, however, having a karmic conversation about how they’re being treated like this now because of what they did to Joseph. It takes famine, prison, and death threats to make them feel remorse… but they got there eventually. Reuben (who tried saving Joseph way back when) gets his “I told you so” moment in there too.  Having heard and understood all of this, Joseph has a good cry when they can’t see him, and goes back saying he’s changed his mind about sending only one brother. Now, he sends all but one (Simeon), and when he gives them the grain, he hides the money they paid him for it in their grain too.

So the brothers all get home, one of them having discovered his money on the way. They tell Jacob what went down in the land of Egypt, and Jacob has a fit. I don’t think Jacob will ever trust his sons to do anything without losing one from the pack each time from now on. Heck, the only reason he eventually let Reuben go back with Benjamin and “rescue” Simeon is because Reuben told Jacob to slaughter his two eldest sons if he comes back without Benjamin. Jacob lets him go… but tells Reuben that he’s the cause of Jacob’s gray hair. I had no idea that saying had been around for that long.

<3 Agnostic in the Pews

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad (Genesis 41)

Two whole years later, Pharaoh has some nightmares. In the first one, seven healthy, delicious looking cows come out of the Nile and graze. They’re shortly followed by seven mangy, ugly, cannibal cows that sneak up on and devour the first seven cows. After waking up in a cold sweat from that one, and hoping to fall back into a peaceful sleep, Pharaoh’s second nightmare starts. In this one, grain is the focus. Seven wonderful, plump ears of grain end up falling victim to seven thin, blighted ears. Now since these dreams concerned all of the most central icons of Egyptian life and economy, the Pharaoh was rightly freaked out. He desperately tried to find someone to interpret these dreams, but no one could.

At this point, the chief cupbearer chimes in, remembering Joseph who is still locked away in prison. He informs Pharaoh of Joseph’s accurate dream interpretations. Pharaoh sends for Joseph and asks him to interpret. Joseph agrees, but points out again that it’s God who does the interpreting and that Joseph is merely the vessel for it. Either way, it comes down to seven good fruitful years of abundance followed by seven years of the worst famine the world has ever seen. Joseph recommends stockpiling food during the seven years of plenty because God has forewarned them all that the famine is coming and fast. Now, normally with all the God talk that Joseph has been doing, Pharaoh would be disinclined to listen as everybody knows that Pharaohs are gods themselves. This one, however, did listen. He even put Joseph in charge of collecting and storing all the food. He goes so far as to make Joseph his right hand man saying, “only with regard to the throne will I be greater than you” (41:40). As part of Joseph’s new station he gets fancy new duds and a signet ring. Man, Joseph gets a costume change every time his luck changes. It’s almost like it’s a literary device of some sort. Anyways, the seven food-filled years happen as predicted, stockpiling and all, and when the seven years of famine start, Pharaoh sends everyone in the country to Joseph for their rations.

Now, with his new station, Joseph gets a wife, and eventually they have two sons that he names according to his life experiences. The firstborn is named Manasseh, which means “making to forget” because Joseph says God helped him forget his crappy childhood. You remember, the one where his brothers were going to kill him but sold him into slavery instead. The second son is named Ephraim, meaning “to be fruitful.” I think this one is fairly obvious from this chapter and all of the rising to power. I was going to skip talking about this part all together because I didn’t think it seemed terribly important, but then it kind of hit me. Joseph isn’t a character that lets us know what’s going on in his head like some others we have and will meet. He’s all about hard work and interpreting dreams to the point where you can actually forget the terrible things he’s had to endure in his life. He just keeps on keeping on. Working hard, loving his God, and being a generally well-adjusted person. It’s one of those moments reminding us that everyone has a story to tell, and their own set of baggage to go with it, whether they tote it openly or not. Be kind to people. You never know when someone was thrown into a pit by their own family and turned into a piece of property.

<3 Agnostic in the Pews