The day has come when Isaac, who is now blind, has realized
that he’s approaching the end of his life and could kick it any day now. So he
calls to Esau, his firstborn and favorite son, to give him the easiest of
challenges in order to get a blessing. He wants a fresh, meaty, savory dinner
in exchange for a blessing. This impending blessing seems like it’s going to be
of inheritance and last will and testament proportions. Guess who’s
eavesdropping? Rebekah. She hears all of this, and finds Jacob. She talks Jacob
into deceiving Isaac, and having Isaac bestow the blessing on Jacob instead. It’s
a very elaborate ruse. Because Esau is so freakin’ hairy, and Jacob isn’t, she
has Jacob slaughter some baby goats/sheep for the meal that Isaac wants. She
cooks it just the way he likes, and uses the skins from the now-food fluffy
animals to cover the would-be hairy parts of Jacob if he were Esau (specifically
the backs of his hands and neck). She also makes Jacob wear Esau’s clothes for
good measure. Good thinkin’ Rebekah.
Jacob, in his Esau costume, goes to see his dad with the requested
dinner. Isaac is like, “Wow, that was fast.” Jacob doesn’t miss a beat and
replies, “Because the Lord your God granted me success” (Gen 27:20). Isaac
wants to be sure that the son that came is in fact Esau though, so he gets some
confirmation from other senses. He feels the backs of Jacob-as-Esau’s hands,
and smells his clothes. Isaac even exclaims his doubt that the son that’s there
is really Esau even then because the voice he’s hearing doesn’t match with his
other senses, but he puts his doubts aside and blesses his son that’s there
anyway. It’s a pretty sweet blessing too.
Dew of heaven, fatness of the earth, nations bowing down, cursing everyone that
curses him, and blessing everyone that blesses him. I don’t think he left anything out. Way to go Jacob and Rebekah. You swindled that
blessing!
Then Esau comes back. He’s got the fresh meat, and cooks it
all by himself, and brings it in to Daddy. Isaac is seriously confused and
pissed. He tells Esau that he’s already given his blessing to someone that he
thought was Esau. Esau then throws a little bit of a tantrum here, but not
really unjustifiably. Let’s face it. He was going to get a good deal. So he
begs to be blessed also, and Isaac confesses that he really did
just bless away everything. He tries to think of something, and it’s very
clearly the afterthought blessing meant for Jacob, reinforcing that the second
brother blessed is meant to bow down and serve the first brother blessed. Sucks
to be that second brother. It was right
about here that I realized something. Harry Potter nerds, I’d like you to weigh
in on this: I think Rebekah and Jacob would’ve been sorted into Slytherin, while
Isaac and Esau would’ve totally been Hufflepuffs. Keep in mind, I’m speaking as
a Slytherin myself. Not all of us are Death Eaters, okay?
Anyway, back to the story. After all that goes down, Esau
starts planning to kill off Jacob for vengeance after their father dies. Money is one of the biggest motives for
pre-meditated murder after all. While he’s
scheming and apparently doing a really bad job of keeping it to himself,
Rebekah catches wind of his intents. She hatches a plan of her own to send
Jacob away to protect him from his brother’s wrath. She’s also pretty sure he’ll calm down after
a little while, and Jacob will be able to come back home. So she plants the idea into Isaac’s head that
if both of her sons are marrying only Hittite women, her life is worth nothing.
‘Kay… Skipping right over all of the really terrible things that implies about
a woman’s inherent value, Isaac makes the all-powerful-male-decision to send
Jacob away in exactly the manner that Rebekah wanted it to happen (back to her
brother’s family). Before Jacob goes off to Laban and Betheul, he gets another
one of Isaac’s blessings. Well, okay, he just gets the famous Abraham land and
progeny blessing bestowed on him as well. I don’t think we’re ever going to see
the end of that one. The last little
thing that happens here is that Esau sees how displeased his parents are with
Hittite wives, so he adds a few of Ishmael’s daughters to his ever growing
harem. Because more wives will solve
everything.
<3 Agnostic in the Pews
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